Single dads – a love magnet? No method. The only perk is sharing the cost of a babysitter

Sign as much as our free Living Well e mail for recommendation on residing a happier, more healthy and longer life

Live your life more healthy and happier with our free weekly Living Well publication

Date a single dad? No, thanks. I don’t see the enchantment. Of course, getting along with a “superdad” has crossed my thoughts. I’m a single mum of two women, Lola, seven, and Liberty, 5, and the final time I attempted up to now a man who didn’t have kids, he ran out of my flat exhausted to observe the soccer in the pub. I haven’t heard from him in two years since a follow-up journey to a small petting zoo in Battersea.

But I discover many single dads even worse. The only perk I can see to relationship them is splitting the babysitter at £15 per hour for a night time out.

Yet based on a latest survey, males who have already got kids from a former partnership are like catnip on relationship websites. Dating web site Zoosk discovered that single dads obtain 22 per cent extra first messages than males with out kids, which suggests that girls are actively searching for them out. Given that a staggering 83 per cent of single girls say they could be prepared up to now a single dad, based on the report, the large recognition of this demographic is evident, however what is attention-grabbing is the assumptions that single heterosexual girls are making.

“Single dads are stated to be so attractive to single women because there is an association that they are responsible, nurturing and can prioritise those who are most important to them,” says Sarah Louise Ryan, the relationship and relationship professional for Even – a new relationship app for single dad and mom. Meanwhile, a survey undertaken by Perspectus Global in May 2023 revealed that almost a quarter of individuals believed that single dad and mom have the qualities they have an inclination to search for in a potential accomplice, corresponding to “independence, reliability, and selflessness”, whereas nearly two-thirds (63 per cent) of Brits trying to date are completely happy to look past the single-parent label.

So, you may think that as a single mum, I’d be on the prowl for a good-looking single dad along with his personal brood in tow. After all, one of the huge issues of having kids is that you just lose almost all of your free time. Dating a single dad solves that downside – in principle – as a result of you’ll be able to hang around with your offspring collectively. To see a man being hands-on with childcare is extremely engaging.

But the fact is, I’m ignoring calls from no less than two single dads who on paper are clever, humorous and charismatic. Why? Because, in my expertise, their romantic enchantment is a entice. Only final week a single dad left his five-year-old daughter at mine for a sleepover as a result of he had a household disaster. When he lastly rocked up at 11.30am the subsequent morning, I’d finished all the early breakfast duties for the kids, taken them to the park and was making ready lunch.

Another single dad requested me to take care of his boys final weekend as he zoomed off to the airport for a journey to Australia, leaving us at an indoor trampoline park in Acton. I’m fond of his kids – and him. But all of it received an excessive amount of when one of the boys misplaced his footwear – after one hour of looking excessive and low, I needed to stroll him again to my automobile in simply his grippy socks. Meanwhile, as soon as again at my flat, the lovely ex-wife couldn’t choose them up for hours as she was on a date on the different facet of city – then caught in “tons and tons of traffic”. I discovered myself ready by the window whereas the kids wreaked havoc, watching each automobile, praying it was hers.

Then there are the single dads who at all times should make an pressing cellphone name, leaving me with all the kids in the playground. All I can see is a baseball cap coming up and down in faraway hedgerows and an ear glued to the cellphone. Worse is when there is a work emergency – it’s humorous how these by no means come up with my mum buddies. And, whereas I sympathise with the juggle – which is half of the attraction of a single dad for me – I typically marvel if he’s simply gone residence to observe a film.

If you don’t have kids your self, then single dads can include one other downside. The US creator Ellie Slott Fisher, who has written a number of guides to relationship together with Dating for Dads, and Mum, There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe, says that one of the huge points that may come up in such conditions is rivalry. “Single childless women may look at a single dad as nurturing and responsible, finding the fact that he is a father to add to his attraction. But they don’t want to compete with his children, especially ‘daddy’s little girl’.” When a single lady dates a father, she is unquestioningly relationship his offspring too, she argues. “It requires her to lavish attention and compassion on his children. Not only are the children acutely aware of this, but so is their dad.” Yet, if a lady does have kids, then single dads are more likely to discover them significantly interesting. “These men assume that these women, by virtue of being parents themselves, will show more interest in their children,” she argues.

Not that this implies it’s at all times plain crusing. Toby*, 42, a London-based IT advisor with two sons aged 5 and eight, claims he’s by no means been hit on as a result of he’s a single dad. “It’s not the children’s fault, but it’s not a good situation for anybody if you and your new partner end up spending all your free time with your children,” he says. At a celebration, he says he’ll come straight out with the reality he’s a single dad to a potential girlfriend. “It’s initially off-putting to them,” he says. “They can’t handle it.” Should they turn out to be open to it, they have an inclination to “fall in love” along with his offspring, a downside reverse to the one recognized by Fisher, which is problematic after they cut up up as she misses them terribly. “Usually it ends because she wants her own children and I don’t want more,” he admits.

Of course, for some girls changing into a stepmum is their final likelihood for a household. One in 5 British girls now attain the age of 45 with out having their very own kids. Saskia*, 53, a Russian-born photographer residing in London, says half of the attraction of her first husband was that he was a single dad and he or she wasn’t positive she’d ever have her personal kids, or if he’d even need extra – she was over 40 and he or she’d had 4 failed IVF cycles with one other accomplice.

“If I see a man is nice to his children, I automatically assume that he will be nice to me,” she says. “Since I was 19, I’ve had single dad boyfriends.” But “a big pull” for her mid-life, she says, was changing into a stepmum and having a household.

“I helped him raise his two daughters – they were aged six and nine.” She was determined to have her personal kids, however this was “the second best”. When he left her six years later, she met one other single dad – with a six-month-old child.

“We had his baby son twice a week,” she says. But simply over a yr later, she received pregnant naturally – their son is now eight.

“I still go on holiday with all my stepkids,” says Saskia. “They will always see me as family.” Matchmaker Ryan has had loads of eventualities of girls telling her they wish to be matched with a man who has kids as a result of “either women can’t have children naturally… or it can come down to having a successful career, feeling they don’t want the lifestyle of having a newborn, or energetically they don’t feel available to do it”.

“There are many women who just don’t want their own children but like the idea of having a big family with a future partner.”

Of course, many completely happy {couples} who’ve taken on one another’s children are joyfully completely happy. The rise of the blended household is certainly a good factor for the kids too, in some situations – an estimated one in three households (round 1.1m kids in England and Wales) stay in a blended step-family. But certainly you’d want a very huge home?

It’s true single-parent relationship apps take the stress out of regular relationship – you don’t have to fret about being ghosted once you say you may have kids. But I believe I’m going to go away it to destiny and take the labels – together with single guardian – out of relationship. As the saying goes, love occurs when you find yourself least searching for it.

*Names modified